Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Just a thought...

For the past few weeks, I have endured heartache to a level that I would never expect in my life. I have been so sad and confused, that I cannot seem to get a grip.

This is my why me question? When times hard and you are really down, is there someone that you can truly depend on????????

I thought that when there was no one I could turn to, I could always depend on family. Silly me. The word family in my dictionary means someone that has an unconditional love for you. That will stand by your side no matter what. I was shaken back into reality over the past few weeks, that this definition is mine and mine alone.

When my father died, I was able to reconnect with three of my sisters and one brother. It had been awhile since I saw my baby sister and I had never spoken to my three older siblings. The moment that brought us together was sad, but joyous at the same time.

I grew up knowing about them, through what my father and my aunt and uncle told me. It seems that I was the only child of my father's that knew about the other four...lol. Anywho we now speak on a daily basis, and I enjoy getting to know them.

Now for the disappointment, sadness and heartbreak. I was raised with my four cousins. I considered them to be my older brothers and sisters. During this time of bereavement, I was not able to depend or rely on them to help me through the pain of losing my father. Not only did it hurt, but shocked me to where I still cannot understand their reasoning for abandoning me. I haven't spoken to them, nor do I plan to at this moment. It hurts too much.

Have you ever been disappointed by a family member to where you couldn't understand why??? Have you figured it out yet?? If so, please let me know how you made it through.

I am so fortunate to have other family members and friends that helped me during my bereavement. I will be forever grateful.

As far as the disappointment in family, this is not the first time and I am sure it won't be the last time.

Why me? Why not? We all have our crosses to bear, it would be nice if someone was there to help us carry it.


Thank you!!!!

I want to take this time to thank everyone for their cards, emails, texts and phone calls to me and my family during the passing of my father. I sincerely appreciate you thinking of us.

Its good to know that someone is always praying for you and keeping you in their thoughts.

The past few weeks have been hard, but I know that he is no longer in pain and he has joined other friends and family members that he's missed so much. His spirit of laughter and gentleness will forever live in my heart and the hearts of everyone that knew him.

Again, thank you!!!


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

In the midst of heartache....

This Saturday my Father, Jonathan Darden Sr. was laid to rest in New Haven, CT. I was able to be apart of his life for a brief period.

I am saddened and upset about his passing. I have so many questions about death and no one can seem to answer nor comfort me. Everyone is sorry and have prayers and blessings for me and my family. I know that each word spoken is sincere, but I am at the point of no longer wanting to hear it. There is no amount of words that can replace what I have lost. I will be forever be grateful to everyone that have tried there best to provide words of comfort and support.

I also feel so guilty for going through my father's apartment after his passing. I was in charged of cleaning and removing any personal items that the family wanted to keep. I felt like I was violating his space. This wave of guilt still follows me. I smell his scent thru out my home, due to his effects sitting in my bedroom.

Enough of this....starting to cry!!!!

Tell those that are close to you that you love them. Don't wait until they are gone to realize it.

Why me folks??? Why not????


Monday, December 6, 2010

Friends or Acquaintances???

This weekend I visited some of my high school friends for a meeting to discuss our upcoming 25th class reunion. Let's just say the meeting was everything I expected....
It was great seeing faces that I haven't seen since I graduated in 1986 and to get caught up on their lives. I hope and pray everyone will get to come out this summer and celebrate what we have accomplished since our teenage years back in Wagener, SC.

After the meeting I began to think about all the friends I have collected in my 42 years of living and wondered if they were really and truly friends or just acquaintances perpetrating friendship. As we grow older we began to dissect who are really friends and if they truly deserve that title. I hear my children address everyone they know and meet as friends. I continually ask them "Are they really your friends"? How do you determine friendship? Is it the person that lends you money each and every time you ask them, or the person that will tell you really and truly how that outfit makes your butt look???....That's the kind of friend I need and want in my life...a truth teller (thanks Sharon).

Friendship is very important to me. I need someone in my life that loves me for me (my kids & my sisters). I mean every inch of me, inside and out (my kids & my sisters). That can always be honest with me(Zsa, Sharon, Betty, Dee). That keep me near the cross (Penny, Sina, Val). That laughs and cries with me (Dee, Sina, Shae, Penny, Betty, Zsa). That will share a cell with me and post my bond for me (no names necessary, protecting the guilty:). Someone that I know will hold my hand thru it all and when I move on to that Diva Room in the sky will carry my memory to share and write a book about me!!!! Friendship to me is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!

Acquaintances in my opinion are friends in training. They have a period that they need to go through before you can really call them friends. Acquaintances are also friends that have not been really good friends and you keep them around so that they can earn their friendship badges again.

Why me folks question: Which are you? Friend or acquaintance?? Who's your best friend?? Are they really?? Think about it. Call them up and let them know that they are your friend and you wouldn't have it any other way.

Today I say to all my friends and acquaintances, I love you and I hope that I am and will always be a friend to you!!!!

Why me? Why not?