For the past few weeks, I have endured heartache to a level that I would never expect in my life. I have been so sad and confused, that I cannot seem to get a grip.
This is my why me question? When times hard and you are really down, is there someone that you can truly depend on????????
I thought that when there was no one I could turn to, I could always depend on family. Silly me. The word family in my dictionary means someone that has an unconditional love for you. That will stand by your side no matter what. I was shaken back into reality over the past few weeks, that this definition is mine and mine alone.
When my father died, I was able to reconnect with three of my sisters and one brother. It had been awhile since I saw my baby sister and I had never spoken to my three older siblings. The moment that brought us together was sad, but joyous at the same time.
I grew up knowing about them, through what my father and my aunt and uncle told me. It seems that I was the only child of my father's that knew about the other four...lol. Anywho we now speak on a daily basis, and I enjoy getting to know them.
Now for the disappointment, sadness and heartbreak. I was raised with my four cousins. I considered them to be my older brothers and sisters. During this time of bereavement, I was not able to depend or rely on them to help me through the pain of losing my father. Not only did it hurt, but shocked me to where I still cannot understand their reasoning for abandoning me. I haven't spoken to them, nor do I plan to at this moment. It hurts too much.
Have you ever been disappointed by a family member to where you couldn't understand why??? Have you figured it out yet?? If so, please let me know how you made it through.
I am so fortunate to have other family members and friends that helped me during my bereavement. I will be forever grateful.
As far as the disappointment in family, this is not the first time and I am sure it won't be the last time.
Why me? Why not? We all have our crosses to bear, it would be nice if someone was there to help us carry it.
Smoochies
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thank you!!!!
I want to take this time to thank everyone for their cards, emails, texts and phone calls to me and my family during the passing of my father. I sincerely appreciate you thinking of us.
Its good to know that someone is always praying for you and keeping you in their thoughts.
The past few weeks have been hard, but I know that he is no longer in pain and he has joined other friends and family members that he's missed so much. His spirit of laughter and gentleness will forever live in my heart and the hearts of everyone that knew him.
Again, thank you!!!
Smoochies
Its good to know that someone is always praying for you and keeping you in their thoughts.
The past few weeks have been hard, but I know that he is no longer in pain and he has joined other friends and family members that he's missed so much. His spirit of laughter and gentleness will forever live in my heart and the hearts of everyone that knew him.
Again, thank you!!!
Smoochies
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
In the midst of heartache....
This Saturday my Father, Jonathan Darden Sr. was laid to rest in New Haven, CT. I was able to be apart of his life for a brief period.
I am saddened and upset about his passing. I have so many questions about death and no one can seem to answer nor comfort me. Everyone is sorry and have prayers and blessings for me and my family. I know that each word spoken is sincere, but I am at the point of no longer wanting to hear it. There is no amount of words that can replace what I have lost. I will be forever be grateful to everyone that have tried there best to provide words of comfort and support.
I also feel so guilty for going through my father's apartment after his passing. I was in charged of cleaning and removing any personal items that the family wanted to keep. I felt like I was violating his space. This wave of guilt still follows me. I smell his scent thru out my home, due to his effects sitting in my bedroom.
Enough of this....starting to cry!!!!
Tell those that are close to you that you love them. Don't wait until they are gone to realize it.
Why me folks??? Why not????
Smoochies
I am saddened and upset about his passing. I have so many questions about death and no one can seem to answer nor comfort me. Everyone is sorry and have prayers and blessings for me and my family. I know that each word spoken is sincere, but I am at the point of no longer wanting to hear it. There is no amount of words that can replace what I have lost. I will be forever be grateful to everyone that have tried there best to provide words of comfort and support.
I also feel so guilty for going through my father's apartment after his passing. I was in charged of cleaning and removing any personal items that the family wanted to keep. I felt like I was violating his space. This wave of guilt still follows me. I smell his scent thru out my home, due to his effects sitting in my bedroom.
Enough of this....starting to cry!!!!
Tell those that are close to you that you love them. Don't wait until they are gone to realize it.
Why me folks??? Why not????
Smoochies
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friends or Acquaintances???
This weekend I visited some of my high school friends for a meeting to discuss our upcoming 25th class reunion. Let's just say the meeting was everything I expected....
It was great seeing faces that I haven't seen since I graduated in 1986 and to get caught up on their lives. I hope and pray everyone will get to come out this summer and celebrate what we have accomplished since our teenage years back in Wagener, SC.
After the meeting I began to think about all the friends I have collected in my 42 years of living and wondered if they were really and truly friends or just acquaintances perpetrating friendship. As we grow older we began to dissect who are really friends and if they truly deserve that title. I hear my children address everyone they know and meet as friends. I continually ask them "Are they really your friends"? How do you determine friendship? Is it the person that lends you money each and every time you ask them, or the person that will tell you really and truly how that outfit makes your butt look???....That's the kind of friend I need and want in my life...a truth teller (thanks Sharon).
Friendship is very important to me. I need someone in my life that loves me for me (my kids & my sisters). I mean every inch of me, inside and out (my kids & my sisters). That can always be honest with me(Zsa, Sharon, Betty, Dee). That keep me near the cross (Penny, Sina, Val). That laughs and cries with me (Dee, Sina, Shae, Penny, Betty, Zsa). That will share a cell with me and post my bond for me (no names necessary, protecting the guilty:). Someone that I know will hold my hand thru it all and when I move on to that Diva Room in the sky will carry my memory to share and write a book about me!!!! Friendship to me is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!
Acquaintances in my opinion are friends in training. They have a period that they need to go through before you can really call them friends. Acquaintances are also friends that have not been really good friends and you keep them around so that they can earn their friendship badges again.
Why me folks question: Which are you? Friend or acquaintance?? Who's your best friend?? Are they really?? Think about it. Call them up and let them know that they are your friend and you wouldn't have it any other way.
Today I say to all my friends and acquaintances, I love you and I hope that I am and will always be a friend to you!!!!
Why me? Why not?
Smoochies
It was great seeing faces that I haven't seen since I graduated in 1986 and to get caught up on their lives. I hope and pray everyone will get to come out this summer and celebrate what we have accomplished since our teenage years back in Wagener, SC.
After the meeting I began to think about all the friends I have collected in my 42 years of living and wondered if they were really and truly friends or just acquaintances perpetrating friendship. As we grow older we began to dissect who are really friends and if they truly deserve that title. I hear my children address everyone they know and meet as friends. I continually ask them "Are they really your friends"? How do you determine friendship? Is it the person that lends you money each and every time you ask them, or the person that will tell you really and truly how that outfit makes your butt look???....That's the kind of friend I need and want in my life...a truth teller (thanks Sharon).
Friendship is very important to me. I need someone in my life that loves me for me (my kids & my sisters). I mean every inch of me, inside and out (my kids & my sisters). That can always be honest with me(Zsa, Sharon, Betty, Dee). That keep me near the cross (Penny, Sina, Val). That laughs and cries with me (Dee, Sina, Shae, Penny, Betty, Zsa). That will share a cell with me and post my bond for me (no names necessary, protecting the guilty:). Someone that I know will hold my hand thru it all and when I move on to that Diva Room in the sky will carry my memory to share and write a book about me!!!! Friendship to me is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!
Acquaintances in my opinion are friends in training. They have a period that they need to go through before you can really call them friends. Acquaintances are also friends that have not been really good friends and you keep them around so that they can earn their friendship badges again.
Why me folks question: Which are you? Friend or acquaintance?? Who's your best friend?? Are they really?? Think about it. Call them up and let them know that they are your friend and you wouldn't have it any other way.
Today I say to all my friends and acquaintances, I love you and I hope that I am and will always be a friend to you!!!!
Why me? Why not?
Smoochies
Monday, November 29, 2010
The Price is Right..
Good Afternoon Everyone,
Last night I was watching the "Real Housewives of Atlanta" with my gurlfriend (I know), and realized if I would ever do a reality show. Would I want cameras following me, my family, my coworkers and my friends, 24 hours a day, just for entertainment of people I don't know????? The question came to my mind: What is my price???
We all have done things and then later looked backed and said " I shouldn't have done that". The RHOA was shot in Atlanta the first part of the year and ended this summer. The cast is not at home watching along with everyone else. Based on what I have seen over the past few months, I know that some are shaking their heads, some have mouths dropped at the antics that are being shown, and I definitely know some of the cast refuses to watch any of the episodes, based on how their lives were portrayed.
There is a local newspaper writer that gives the highlights of the show each Monday morning and you get to blog comments on what you thought about the show. I have never made a comment because I am in such awe of what other's have to say.
I myself don't think that my life is so exciting and edge of the seat intense, that a show would be offered to me. Even though some of my friends think I should have one. So I ask this why me question: What would be the right price for you to sell your soul to television. Come on, don't be shy, admit it or not, we all have a price when it comes to something.
Why me folks? Why not?
Smoochies
Last night I was watching the "Real Housewives of Atlanta" with my gurlfriend (I know), and realized if I would ever do a reality show. Would I want cameras following me, my family, my coworkers and my friends, 24 hours a day, just for entertainment of people I don't know????? The question came to my mind: What is my price???
We all have done things and then later looked backed and said " I shouldn't have done that". The RHOA was shot in Atlanta the first part of the year and ended this summer. The cast is not at home watching along with everyone else. Based on what I have seen over the past few months, I know that some are shaking their heads, some have mouths dropped at the antics that are being shown, and I definitely know some of the cast refuses to watch any of the episodes, based on how their lives were portrayed.
There is a local newspaper writer that gives the highlights of the show each Monday morning and you get to blog comments on what you thought about the show. I have never made a comment because I am in such awe of what other's have to say.
I myself don't think that my life is so exciting and edge of the seat intense, that a show would be offered to me. Even though some of my friends think I should have one. So I ask this why me question: What would be the right price for you to sell your soul to television. Come on, don't be shy, admit it or not, we all have a price when it comes to something.
Why me folks? Why not?
Smoochies
Monday, November 22, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving????
Good Morning,
I was having breakfast with my girlfriend yesterday and she stated to me that she was having a bit of a conflict within her family. She is married and expecting her first child due December. Her family lives about 3 hours away and would like for her to spend Thanksgiving with her. Her husband would rather stay at home and enjoy dinner with just her. She doesn't know what to do.
I have another friend that is still mourning the passing of her mother. She passed last year the day after Thanksgiving. She was going to celebrate with her family, but has decided to forgo the entire holiday weekend. Her sister is not happy with that choice.
Another friend would like for me to come home, my family also, since I haven't been home in awhile. I have offered to make dinner at my home instead.
In each one of these situations, someone is trying to please everyone.... I can truly understand why the holiday season is depressing and also stressful.
It's a time of giving thanks for what we have, where we are, and all that God has blessed us through. When do we forget the thankfulness and began the selfishness????
This holiday season, let's stop with the take, take, take, me, me, me and began to go back to the days when family came together as a sign of love and not of obligation!!!!!
Why me question??? Are you celebrating the season for the right reason??? Let's remember that we don't choose our family, but do choose how we treat them.
Keep those that have no family and those that have no homes in your prayers this season!!!
Happy Thanksgiving to each of you!!!
Why me? Why not?
Smoochies
I was having breakfast with my girlfriend yesterday and she stated to me that she was having a bit of a conflict within her family. She is married and expecting her first child due December. Her family lives about 3 hours away and would like for her to spend Thanksgiving with her. Her husband would rather stay at home and enjoy dinner with just her. She doesn't know what to do.
I have another friend that is still mourning the passing of her mother. She passed last year the day after Thanksgiving. She was going to celebrate with her family, but has decided to forgo the entire holiday weekend. Her sister is not happy with that choice.
Another friend would like for me to come home, my family also, since I haven't been home in awhile. I have offered to make dinner at my home instead.
In each one of these situations, someone is trying to please everyone.... I can truly understand why the holiday season is depressing and also stressful.
It's a time of giving thanks for what we have, where we are, and all that God has blessed us through. When do we forget the thankfulness and began the selfishness????
This holiday season, let's stop with the take, take, take, me, me, me and began to go back to the days when family came together as a sign of love and not of obligation!!!!!
Why me question??? Are you celebrating the season for the right reason??? Let's remember that we don't choose our family, but do choose how we treat them.
Keep those that have no family and those that have no homes in your prayers this season!!!
Happy Thanksgiving to each of you!!!
Why me? Why not?
Smoochies
Monday, November 15, 2010
When is Enough Enough??!!!
Early Nov. 7, 18-year-old Bobby Tillman of Douglasville was beaten and stomped to death after a party. Four suspects have been arrested and charged with Tillman's death. -AJC
Dequavious Stephon Mapp, 18, was one of three teenagers shot after the party about a mile from his home. The Rockdale County High School senior died at Atlanta Medical Center.-AJC
Two young men, like many others their age cut down in life before it even began for them. These two headlines appeared in the AJC (Atlanta Journal Constitution newspaper) this morning, and it began to make me question the safety of my son and am I doing all I need to do to protect him.
I took my son shopping yesterday and spent the day just hanging with him. We had breakfast, watched TV and then I guess our time was over when he asked if he could go to a friends house. Once he left, I began to wonder of all the "bad" things that could happen to him going from our home, down the sidewalk to his friend's home a few houses away. Let's face it, the young men above were only a mile or so from their homes at a party......
I use to didn't worry about my son, why I can't say. His sister was the one I lost sleep over...still do!!!:o, but lately he is constantly on my mind. Whether he's in my sight or not, I keep him uplifted in prayer. I don't know the agony or pain these two mothers (and sooo many more) are feeling, nor do I want that burden placed on me. Death of a child, any child, is horrific and we shouldn't live in a society where now it's common place.
The local law enforcement have been very diligent in their search for suspects, with success. The media is determined to get the word out about how this effects our communities and what we can do to put an end to such senseless violence on the lives of our teenagers. But is this a futile attempt to put a band-aid on a much bigger problem????? What is the real reason behind the actions of our teenagers??? What as parents are we missing???? Why now???
I really want to know!!! I have listened to the media, my friends and family. I have also questioned my own children for their answers and it still puzzles me why we don't cherish the life of others, as well as our own. In the two stories above, not only did we lose two bright young men to death, but we also lose the lives of the alleged suspects to being locked away for a long time. Working in law enforcement, I see men like this that get incarcerated at a young age and whatever hope they had to being someone, is lost. It's not fair to them, nor fair to society. We could have lost the next doctor to find the cure for the common cold, the next civil rights activist that will bring peace among all races, or the next father that is there to lead his children in the right direction.
My son is smart, precious, loving, caring and enjoys chicken nuggets and McCafe Mocha frappes'....he's my everything!!! To have his life taken in vain or have him take a life in vain would literally kill me and I want to be the type of parent to say: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! I won't let my son or his friends or anyone that surrounds him be a statistic. I won't let him live his life like he has no purpose, no dreams, no future. My son is not being raised with a father in the home and that's ok. I do my best to surround him with positive friends, family and great male role models and mentors.
My why me folks question: As an adult, as a parent, what are you doing to make the young men in your life feel worthy, feel secure, feel hopeful, feel loved??? Take the time to stop, ask questions and above all else listen to them. They do have something to say.
To the families of those that have lost a young man to a violent death, my heart goes out to you!!!!
Why me folks? Why not?
Smoochies
Dequavious Stephon Mapp, 18, was one of three teenagers shot after the party about a mile from his home. The Rockdale County High School senior died at Atlanta Medical Center.-AJC
Two young men, like many others their age cut down in life before it even began for them. These two headlines appeared in the AJC (Atlanta Journal Constitution newspaper) this morning, and it began to make me question the safety of my son and am I doing all I need to do to protect him.
I took my son shopping yesterday and spent the day just hanging with him. We had breakfast, watched TV and then I guess our time was over when he asked if he could go to a friends house. Once he left, I began to wonder of all the "bad" things that could happen to him going from our home, down the sidewalk to his friend's home a few houses away. Let's face it, the young men above were only a mile or so from their homes at a party......
I use to didn't worry about my son, why I can't say. His sister was the one I lost sleep over...still do!!!:o, but lately he is constantly on my mind. Whether he's in my sight or not, I keep him uplifted in prayer. I don't know the agony or pain these two mothers (and sooo many more) are feeling, nor do I want that burden placed on me. Death of a child, any child, is horrific and we shouldn't live in a society where now it's common place.
The local law enforcement have been very diligent in their search for suspects, with success. The media is determined to get the word out about how this effects our communities and what we can do to put an end to such senseless violence on the lives of our teenagers. But is this a futile attempt to put a band-aid on a much bigger problem????? What is the real reason behind the actions of our teenagers??? What as parents are we missing???? Why now???
I really want to know!!! I have listened to the media, my friends and family. I have also questioned my own children for their answers and it still puzzles me why we don't cherish the life of others, as well as our own. In the two stories above, not only did we lose two bright young men to death, but we also lose the lives of the alleged suspects to being locked away for a long time. Working in law enforcement, I see men like this that get incarcerated at a young age and whatever hope they had to being someone, is lost. It's not fair to them, nor fair to society. We could have lost the next doctor to find the cure for the common cold, the next civil rights activist that will bring peace among all races, or the next father that is there to lead his children in the right direction.
My son is smart, precious, loving, caring and enjoys chicken nuggets and McCafe Mocha frappes'....he's my everything!!! To have his life taken in vain or have him take a life in vain would literally kill me and I want to be the type of parent to say: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! I won't let my son or his friends or anyone that surrounds him be a statistic. I won't let him live his life like he has no purpose, no dreams, no future. My son is not being raised with a father in the home and that's ok. I do my best to surround him with positive friends, family and great male role models and mentors.
My why me folks question: As an adult, as a parent, what are you doing to make the young men in your life feel worthy, feel secure, feel hopeful, feel loved??? Take the time to stop, ask questions and above all else listen to them. They do have something to say.
To the families of those that have lost a young man to a violent death, my heart goes out to you!!!!
Why me folks? Why not?
Smoochies
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